It wasn’t that I didn’t know of the devastating consequences of excess. But sometimes in life you’re led by strange and hollow notions. Notions of success, happiness that bring to you a false sense of accomplishment. And by the time you realise that this path you’re on is one deadly quicksand that pulls you down to unthinkable darkness, it is a little late.

Addiction is one such path. I was addicted to alcohol for several years. As I sit and type this article and revisit my past, I feel a deep sense of gratitude for living to see this day.

I couldn’t hold my drinks. What began as a few drinks to make things lighter and easier, I slowly got into the habit of mixing every association of mine with alcohol. Meeting old friends, post work relaxation, celebrations, music… almost every area of social interaction was laced with alcohol. And soon without realising the dangers, I started to enjoy drinks all by myself. 

Miraculously I escaped several mishaps. And after a certain point, my friends started avoiding me as I would turn into an acid tongued, angry man post drinks.They would watch helplessly as my behaviour would turn nasty. I became incapable of handling responsibilities at home. My work too started to suffer as I found it extremely difficult to stay without a drink. I was hopelessly addicted. I saw every inch of sanity crumble around me just because of my inability to reign in on my drinking. I got in trouble with the law a few times as I would be under the influence of alcohol most of the times. Every relationship of mine had turned sour. My existence had become messy and even troublesome for a lot of people. I was absolutely helpless. And very lonely. After years and years of being a slave to the bottle, I now was desperate to get out of this addiction and get a hold of whatever was left in my life.

I gathered enough sense on one good day and called my ex class teacher Ms MadhuJuneja. Upon hearing me out completely she put me through to Dr PuneetDwivedi. And the treatment began. It was excruciating. There were pills and sleepless nights and anxiety and urges. There were people who believed that I could just not win. And then there were others who soldiered with me as if this was their own battle. 

On the 11th of November’16 I had my last drink of alcohol. Madhu ma’am’s encouraging words, Dr.Dwivedi’s medicines and a bit of my will did the unthinkable. I managed to extract myself out of the slavery. I became clean. 

It has been over 4 and a half years now.  However cliché it may sound but the truth is that I feel that I’m born again. I’m experiencing joy and freedom in the purest form possible. It is such a massive relief to have knocked off that incapacitating dependency on drinks. Now quite literally I relish my time. I’m still earning back my dignity and respect. Addiction extracts a whole lot out of you. There are some portions of my past which will remain unforgivable. There are some regrets that I will carry all my life. But I do try hard to not lug the past as far as possible.

One of the sweetest things to happen soon after you do away with addiction is that you start getting sound sleep. Sound sleep brings in buoyancy. And this buoyancy led me to running. I started beginning my day with a 5 kilometer jog. In sometime this brought about unbelievable changes in me. I got conscious of my health. As one thing leads to another, on one good day a friend advised me to learn Yoga. I enrolled myself at the Aurobindo Ashram, Delhi branch where I trained to be a Yoga instructor. 

To say that Yoga has brought about a profound effect on me would be an understatement of massive proportions. It has redefined my being. Quite magically Yoga trickled into various other areas of my life. Now many a mundane task seem purposeful to me. I have found great discipline in Yoga.It has made me a better person. 

Looking back at my alcoholic self, the journey sometimes seems a little unreal. It was as if I played the lead role in a film that lasted longer that I would have liked it to. There is a distinct sense of loss and disappointment that may or may not go away. Addiction is cruel. I’m now cocooned in the love and warmth of some of my closest friends who stood by me in spite of my most unpleasant behaviour. I do see drinks being poured, glasses being raised to a toast and people making merry. But in my heart I pray that may they all know where to draw the line.

Debangshu Chaudhury

Batch of 1991